The Slow Drip

In the past few weeks I have made two significant choices.  First, I decided to sell off my guitar collection.  It became clear to me that while I love my collection the dreams I had of being a rock star (or even recording my own album) were fantasy.  Sure, everyone has them but to me, for a very crucial part of my life, those dreams were a refuge.  Now, I see how they pull me away from my family and the ministry God is preparing me for.  If I am to focus on those things then everything else must fall by the wayside.  I'll keep the acoustic because it is too good to sell but the rest goes.

I decided that fantasy sports had to go also.  This decision was made for the same reasons.  While I enjoy fantasy sports, especially baseball, it takes my attention away from my family and my God.  It was time for it to go.

I'm realizing that the ministry God is calling me to requires leadership which is, of course, the one thing I have feared for as long as I can remember.  Yet, I long for it sometimes to be a great man but more often to be a force for good in people's lives, to move them closer to the Kingdom.  As John Maxwell writes, "Leadership is influence" and that takes work, dedication, and focus.

It's amazing to me that I have tried to avoid leadership so long.  Even throughout my training and mentoring experience I really hesitated to pursue it.  Most efforts were severely stunted by that reluctance.  It wasn't until the very last semester that I began to teach without regard for how people thought of me.  Then I found a great relief and that I enjoyed having influence.  In some ways I regret that it took me so long to realize.  What good would have come of my T/M sequence if I was ready to jump in with both feet at the very beginning?  I was so timid.  Yet, the beautiful part of the the whole thing is that T/M is exactly what I needed.  Nothing else could have brought me so far in such a short time.  God knew what he was doing with me the whole time.  The good news is he's not done yet and I'm resolved to yield more easily next time.

Below I've included two selections.  The first is my cousin Aaron's comments on my decision to sell the guitar collection.  He and I played a lot together.  I called him to explain my decision looking for an understanding ear and he did not disappoint.  He uniquely gets it.  The second is my announcement to the fantasy league that this would be my last year.  I wrote it as if it were a press conference.  I was amused, anyway.

Electric Guitars and Family History

Eric called me this week for one specific purpose: to let me know that he was going to sell his Fender Stratocaster (Plus, as it turns out). For us guys who love six strings stretched in harmony along a delicate neck, the sound that comes from that apparatus, and the high that comes from the sound, selling any instrument with which we've made music and memories (both with this instrument, in Eric's case) can be a fairly melancholy experience. But this one seemed especially so.
At the time, I believed it merely pertained to his relinquishing of youthful dreams, that selling the Strat was, for Eric, a recognition that his wildest dreams were not going to come true. I encouraged him by reminding him that God had set him aside for a different purpose, had launched his life on another trajectory. Among his top priorities are marriage, family and ministry, priorities that would be eclipsed or supplanted by the purpose for which he originally purchased the Strat--band membership. Thus relinquishing the guitar could only help lighten his load in pursuing the things that, he and I believe, the Lord has set aside for him to do. And perhaps this is true, but I've since questioned whether it's the entire truth.
I wonder, Eric, if the Stratocaster wasn't also a symbol of freedom for you, an escape route that, when played, brought you out of the difficulties of Nevins family dynamics at a time when things were going pretty wrong, and you had no idea why. I wonder if some of your attachment to the Strat isn't rooted in the freedom you found in it. It drowned out the noise of dischord. In some ways, the sounds that you can make with it were a constructive avenue for the frustration and anger that gripped you. It was like a little boat that you sailed toward a distant horizon; but you have discovered another horizon, one to which you cannot sail, but toward which you must walk--after beaching the boat. And this adds another dimension to your decision to divest yourself of it.
You may find that in laying down the Strat you discover that the noise it has been drowning out, the sound of family dynamics, is no longer harsh and dischordant, but sweet and uplifting. Can you go on playing the music you once played, knowing that this is what you are now drowning out? You may find that in laying down the Strat you discover that the freedom it once afforded you is now, like the boat, a freedom for which you have no place--yours is an overland route now; you need a wagon, not a boat. I imagine you took to sea on that Stratocaster because you were afraid of, or tired of, or angry about the land of family in which you had lived. But you find yourself on that shore again, and this time the experience is not so negative as before. And you must lead; you cannot do this from your little boat.
For some men the distraction is television or a video game console, a motorcycle or a boat, work, sports, or a hobby. For others, it is far more sinister: pornography, alcoholism, drug addiction. My own struggle will be to achieve balance between my family of someday, and my studies, which always encroach on the rest of my life. Whether or not the distraction is moral in itself, it is important for us men to disengage from those things that would consume our time and attention for little gain other than our own satisfaction, and recognize that we have been called by God to other things. Perhaps, Eric, in this point you will find one of your father's shortcomings. But it is evident that the men among God's people have struggled with this just as much as other men.
Jacob's business fixation caused the dishonor of his daughter, Dinah. Achan's wealth-collection hobby got him and his entire family stoned to death. Saul's preoccupation with the Philistines caused him to curse anyone who ate--including his own son. Hobbies can become obsessions almost without our recognition of it. And when they do, they supplant our role as men. This is the struggle of the men of the family of God. It is our history. And it will be altered only with the help of the Spirit, one decision, one habit, one life, one generation, one family line at a time.
Eric, my friend, shed your wings and fly.
Aaron

Hanging up the Proverbial Cleats

The following is a transcript from a press conference call by Redbirds GM Eric Nevins a short while ago.

“Thank you all for coming. I’ve called this press conference to announce that this season of fantasy baseball will be my last as a general manager. I have given now five summers of my life to the sport and have enjoyed every minute of it. But recently, it has become clear that my time has come. Fantasy baseball, and football for that matter, has been incredibly good to me. I have won the ultimate trophy in football and come excruciatingly close in baseball. While I’d like to win the baseball championship it will have to be this year or never.

“There are a few people I need to thank. First and foremost my wife deserves many thanks. She has been patient and kind as I slaved away evaluating players, trades, and statistics. She has indulged my increasingly costly pursuit of a fantasy trophy displaying nothing but grace at all times. Thank you, honey.”

Nevins kissed his wife who smiled at him.

“Second, I must thank John Cairns for getting me into the sport. I was a young rookie who knew nothing about fantasy sports but John needed an extra player for the league so I joined. Somehow, that year I landed the first pick and nabbed Albert Pujols. I always wondered if John rigged that for me. That first draft was an eye-opening experience for I was truly a rookie but John showed me the ropes and I ended up finishing third. Thanks, John.

“I also must thank Mike Elder for being a great trade partner. You have consistently been the most aggressive trader in our leagues. I can remember times when you’d call me just to see what I thought of a proposed trade. I’ll miss the back and forth of brokering a trade with you. Oh, and sorry for trading you Eric Byrnes. I really thought he’d be coming around.

“A huge thank you to Pat McElroy, Nathan Dickerson, Rob Burns, Matt Rounds, Brandon Dreiling, Elder’s brother whose name never really knew (sorry…), and many others. It has been fun to compete with you all these years.

“Lastly, I must thank Dave Gauger. You have been a fierce competitor. I’ll never forget two years ago when you edged me on the last day of the season to win the year. I was so mad. I had to admire your strategy and skill, though. Hopefully this year you’ll end up looking at my mule’s backside instead of the other way around.

“And now I’ll take a few questions.”

Question from the audience inaudible.

“Yes, I am announcing this now to give the organization time to find a replacement particularly in the football league as it should be starting soon. As to your second question, I plan to spend more time focusing on my family. We’re expecting a baby on November 1 and we need to be ready. I’m also finishing my last year of seminary (finally!!!) while working full-time. There are plenty of things for me to do.”

Another question from the audience.

“Of course I’ll miss it. Any time you give so much of your time and effort to something it becomes part of who you are. I have come to really enjoy the entire process from drafting to fighting all season. Baseball is a long season and it can wear on you but that’s all part of the process.”

Question inaudible.

“One of the primary reasons I’ve played this long, besides the desire to get that baseball championship, is to keep in touch with the people I’ve mentioned earlier. Many of them were good friends back in the day before we scattered all over the country. Fantasy sports were a way to do that. Now, Facebook, sort of ruins my best excuse. We can all keep in touch there. And, I’m not gone yet. I plan to finish the season strong. That’s it. No more questions. Thank you and God bless.”

Eric Nevins walked off the fantasy stage.

            My new askesis promises to be more disciplined and more purposeful.  When I wrote of my “before” paper, I merely listed various things I do.  While I would say that each of them is done for a purpose, the list I compiled was somewhat random and meandering.  This paper, the “after” askesis, has the benefit of three months of study, reflection, and thought.  The following disciplines and practices represent my commitment to a God-ward life.

            Ingesting Scripture.  The Bible is vital to any growing Christian.  I intend to take it into my mind and heart in several ways.  First, I will study the Bible.  In the past, formal Bible study seemed lifeless and draining.  This semester, through a variety of events, most notably my involvement in teaching ministry, the study of the Bible has come alive.  Digging into a text yields not only knowledge, and some discipline, but also as I consider the meaning it is applied to my life and heart as well.  This is teaching from the excess.  God teaches me first and then I am able to teach others. 

Second, I will continue to read large swaths of the Bible with a spiritual posture.  This is the opposite of Bible study where small things make big differences.  Instead, I read to be spoken to, to hear God’s story and to take it in.  Thirdly, I will memorize larger sections of the Bible.  Over the summer I plan to continue work on memorizing (and studying) Romans 8 which has become a mantra of sorts for me.  This represents a departure for me.  I used to be quite hostile to the idea of memorization but I now realize that holding Scripture in my mind and heart is often used by God.  It helps me to change my thoughts as Dallas Willard recommends.  When I am tempted to think about sinful things, I recall the passage I am memorizing and my heart is redirected.  Jesus seemed to do this as he responded with Scripture to Satan’s temptations.  He quoted the passage he apparently was meditating on.  If it is good enough for Jesus, it is good enough for me.

Prayer.  What I have learned about prayer in this course is that it is varied and diverse.  I had still considered prayer basically asking God for things or talking at him with some listening involved.  Now I understand God interacts with us.  Prayer is a conversation that sometimes involves listening and sometimes talking and sometimes following a script.  One practice I intend to follow through the rest of the year is the praying of the psalms.  This practice sticks out to me as one that will be beneficial and helpful.  The psalms help us learn to express our hearts to God and give voice to things we otherwise cannot find the words for.

Also under the category of prayer, I include the practice of silence and solitude.  My wife and I have agreed that we each need to spend two or three days on retreat twice a year.  My turn is next and I will go to Sacred Heart for a weekend in the early weeks of summer.  The disciplines of silence and solitude are strongly contrasted with daily life, especially a life with small children.  Demands are constantly flooding in.  Getting away to a place where even my cell phone will not ring is a helpful respite.  It also helps me to remember to listen to God.  All the other voices cease and I am able to be still.  This is a discipline that I hope to practice for the rest of my life no matter where God leads.

Fasting.  I did my main research paper on the discipline of fasting.  Once again, this is a discipline I would have otherwise been wary of and avoided.  But practice of fasting taught me a lot about myself and God.  I have entertained the idea of fasting at least one day before I teach or preach though I have not yet committed to it.  What I found fasting valuable for was engaging my body and heart and mind all at once.  Instead of being a purely cerebral or spiritual activity like so many other disciplines are, fasting brings out my weakness when it comes to my body.  I also wrote in the paper that fasting helps me to practice the redirection of thought away from food to spiritual things.  In temptation the same redirection is necessary.  I found this valuable and will continue to practice it.  Fasting helps me to want God more than to want to please my body.

Community.  Practicing being in community has not always been easy for me.  In fact, I could say I really do not like it.  It is wonderful when people are interested in me and what I am doing but I do not really want to have to pretend to be interested in them.  Entering community as a discipline, though, changes that.  I have to give myself up in order to be genuinely concerned for the wellbeing of others.  I also have to be genuinely open and honest about myself which is scary.  Now that my TM sequence is completed, I see the value of community and will look for people to know and to be known by.  It may be with an individual or two or it may be with a small group but it must be.

Community also includes corporate worship.  Singing praise to God, hearing testimonies, seeing baptisms, being united in Communion are all important connections to the Body of Christ.  In them, I submit to God together with those around me.  Worship services offer the opportunity to get the Word in different ways.  Singing moves things to the heart much more quickly than only hearing them.

Most of all, I will try to orient my heart around the things of God.  All of these disciplines are simply ways of helping me to do that.  They are reminders of God’s grace in my life and the commitment I made to follow him.  They help me to keep my eyes on the prize, to obtain my part in the Kingdom while longing for more and more of it.  I will not perfectly practice any of them, but I will press on toward the goal of Christ-likeness.

Those of you who I have spoken with in the last week or so have heard me say some pretty amazing things.  God is really working on both Jodi and I and we are thriving spiritually, in our marriage, in worship, etc.  I have called it perhaps the happiest time of our marriage.  That might seem like an exaggeration.  Certainly it's not something anyone should expect in the midst of all the challenges we have.  But it is where we are.

As I've talked with you, I wonder how you perceive what could sound like platitudes or niceties.  I used to really hate them until this period of my life.  They were really incomprehensible to me.  To say something like "the joy of the Lord is my strength" just made no sense.  But now I find a song like "Trading My Sorrows" constantly on my lips.  It makes sense because God is our strength.  Jodi and I are living surrendered lives right now.  It sounds so fluffy and could be said so easily.  Yet, I don't say them lightly.

There is a sense, too, that to say something like I just wrote must have a tinge of pride to it.  Yet, there is no pride.  We both know-and you know-that this journey has been so much more about what God is doing in our lives than what we're doing.  He has conquered the fire-breathing dragon that was my fear.  He is working the rock of trying to control from Jodi's shoe.  He is the ONE!  To Him be all the glory, all the praise, all the honor.  I couldn't write a more sincere sentence that gets so abused when it is turned into a platitude.

I’ve had it with Senator McCain. Today he’s out there saying that all the conservatives opposing him should “Just calm down.” Calm down? Calm down? That’s like asking a dog to calm down right before gets neutered. I don’t think so.

McCain also says we should “see if there are any areas that we can agree on for the good of the party and the good of the country.” On what issues does he think we can agree? Immigration? No, he sponsored a bill with Ted Kennedy (Kennedy!!!) that offered amnesty to illegal immigrants. The base, including me, does not agree that amnesty–no matter what you call it–is best for the country.

What about the urgent need for conservative judges? Strike two. McCain not only joined but led the Gang of 14 in opposing his own party leaders betraying some very fine judges in the process. What about the Gang of 14 suggests we should trust McCain to appoint conservative justices to the Supreme Court? McCain’s incessant desire to “reach across the aisle” will lead him to appoint judges that are acceptable to the left. And that is simply unacceptable to the right.

Maybe we can agree on economic issues. The conservative position on the economy is that tax cuts are good for everyone. What was Senator McCain’s position on the Bush tax cuts? Once again, McCain stood opposed to a very basic tenet of conservatism. No agreement there.

That’s three strikes against Senator McCain. Unfortunately for his candidacy, they keep coming. He’s voted against the marriage amendment. He’s sponsored legislation that restricts freedom of speech during campaigns. The chances for agreement are dwindling.

In fact, the only issue, as far as I can tell, that Senator McCain and I hold in common is his support of the war. Even on this issue McCain’s record is blemished. He called for Rumsfeld’s head not once but many times. McCain has opposed the president publicly over and over. How is that good for the party? That’s just not an issue we can agree on.

Well, it seems we have run out of issues. On nearly every issue near and dear to this conservative’s heart, Senator McCain has continually and deliberately split from the party line. That is why, should he receive the nomination, I will not vote for him. I understand completely the consequences of this course of action. Some conservatives will bite the bullet and pull his lever. But there are no good reasons to think he can be trusted to carry the conservative mantle. I for one, don’t trust Senator McCain as far as I could throw him. That is not good for him and it is not good for our party.

Last week we took the kiddos ice skating.  Jodi and I had a ton of fun but the kids weren't so sure.  It took them quite awhile to get used to skates.  By the time they did it was time to go.

  And I fell on my behind a couple of times...