The Slow Drip: Blog

Tough Choices

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 03:49:04 GMT

In the past few weeks I have made two significant choices. First, I decided to sell off my guitar collection. It became clear to me that while I love my collection the dreams I had of being a rock star (or even recording my own album) were fantasy. Sure, everyone has them but to me, for a very crucial part of my life, those dreams were a refuge. Now, I see how they pull me away from my family and the ministry God is preparing me for. If I am to focus on those things then everything else must fall by the wayside. I'll keep the acoustic because it is too good to sell but the rest goes.

I decided that fantasy sports had to go also. This decision was made for the same reasons. While I enjoy fantasy sports, especially baseball, it takes my attention away from my family and my God. It was time for it to go.

I'm realizing that the ministry God is calling me to requires leadership which is, of course, the one thing I have feared for as long as I can remember. Yet, I long for it sometimes to be a great man but more often to be a force for good in people's lives, to move them closer to the Kingdom. As John Maxwell writes, "Leadership is influence" and that takes work, dedication, and focus.

It's amazing to me that I have tried to avoid leadership so long. Even throughout my training and mentoring experience I really hesitated to pursue it. Most efforts were severely stunted by that reluctance. It wasn't until the very last semester that I began to teach without regard for how people thought of me. Then I found a great relief and that I enjoyed having influence. In some ways I regret that it took me so long to realize. What good would have come of my T/M sequence if I was ready to jump in with both feet at the very beginning? I was so timid. Yet, the beautiful part of the the whole thing is that T/M is exactly what I needed. Nothing else could have brought me so far in such a short time. God knew what he was doing with me the whole time. The good news is he's not done yet and I'm resolved to yield more easily next time.

Below I've included two selections. The first is my cousin Aaron's comments on my decision to sell the guitar collection. He and I played a lot together. I called him to explain my decision looking for an understanding ear and he did not disappoint. He uniquely gets it. The second is my announcement to the fantasy league that this would be my last year. I wrote it as if it were a press conference. I was amused, anyway.

Electric Guitars and Family History

Eric called me this week for one specific purpose: to let me know that he was going to sell his Fender Stratocaster (Plus, as it turns out). For us guys who love six strings stretched in harmony along a delicate neck, the sound that comes from that apparatus, and the high that comes from the sound, selling any instrument with which we've made music and memories (both with this instrument, in Eric's case) can be a fairly melancholy experience. But this one seemed especially so.
At the time, I believed it merely pertained to his relinquishing of youthful dreams, that selling the Strat was, for Eric, a recognition that his wildest dreams were not going to come true. I encouraged him by reminding him that God had set him aside for a different purpose, had launched his life on another trajectory. Among his top priorities are marriage, family and ministry, priorities that would be eclipsed or supplanted by the purpose for which he originally purchased the Strat--band membership. Thus relinquishing the guitar could only help lighten his load in pursuing the things that, he and I believe, the Lord has set aside for him to do. And perhaps this is true, but I've since questioned whether it's the entire truth.
I wonder, Eric, if the Stratocaster wasn't also a symbol of freedom for you, an escape route that, when played, brought you out of the difficulties of Nevins family dynamics at a time when things were going pretty wrong, and you had no idea why. I wonder if some of your attachment to the Strat isn't rooted in the freedom you found in it. It drowned out the noise of dischord. In some ways, the sounds that you can make with it were a constructive avenue for the frustration and anger that gripped you. It was like a little boat that you sailed toward a distant horizon; but you have discovered another horizon, one to which you cannot sail, but toward which you must walk--after beaching the boat. And this adds another dimension to your decision to divest yourself of it.
You may find that in laying down the Strat you discover that the noise it has been drowning out, the sound of family dynamics, is no longer harsh and dischordant, but sweet and uplifting. Can you go on playing the music you once played, knowing that this is what you are now drowning out? You may find that in laying down the Strat you discover that the freedom it once afforded you is now, like the boat, a freedom for which you have no place--yours is an overland route now; you need a wagon, not a boat. I imagine you took to sea on that Stratocaster because you were afraid of, or tired of, or angry about the land of family in which you had lived. But you find yourself on that shore again, and this time the experience is not so negative as before. And you must lead; you cannot do this from your little boat.
For some men the distraction is television or a video game console, a motorcycle or a boat, work, sports, or a hobby. For others, it is far more sinister: pornography, alcoholism, drug addiction. My own struggle will be to achieve balance between my family of someday, and my studies, which always encroach on the rest of my life. Whether or not the distraction is moral in itself, it is important for us men to disengage from those things that would consume our time and attention for little gain other than our own satisfaction, and recognize that we have been called by God to other things. Perhaps, Eric, in this point you will find one of your father's shortcomings. But it is evident that the men among God's people have struggled with this just as much as other men.
Jacob's business fixation caused the dishonor of his daughter, Dinah. Achan's wealth-collection hobby got him and his entire family stoned to death. Saul's preoccupation with the Philistines caused him to curse anyone who ate--including his own son. Hobbies can become obsessions almost without our recognition of it. And when they do, they supplant our role as men. This is the struggle of the men of the family of God. It is our history. And it will be altered only with the help of the Spirit, one decision, one habit, one life, one generation, one family line at a time.
Eric, my friend, shed your wings and fly.
Aaron

Hanging up the Proverbial Cleats

The following is a transcript from a press conference call by Redbirds GM Eric Nevins a short while ago.

“Thank you all for coming. I’ve called this press conference to announce that this season of fantasy baseball will be my last as a general manager. I have given now five summers of my life to the sport and have enjoyed every minute of it. But recently, it has become clear that my time has come. Fantasy baseball, and football for that matter, has been incredibly good to me. I have won the ultimate trophy in football and come excruciatingly close in baseball. While I’d like to win the baseball championship it will have to be this year or never.

“There are a few people I need to thank. First and foremost my wife deserves many thanks. She has been patient and kind as I slaved away evaluating players, trades, and statistics. She has indulged my increasingly costly pursuit of a fantasy trophy displaying nothing but grace at all times. Thank you, honey.”

Nevins kissed his wife who smiled at him.

“Second, I must thank John Cairns for getting me into the sport. I was a young rookie who knew nothing about fantasy sports but John needed an extra player for the league so I joined. Somehow, that year I landed the first pick and nabbed Albert Pujols. I always wondered if John rigged that for me. That first draft was an eye-opening experience for I was truly a rookie but John showed me the ropes and I ended up finishing third. Thanks, John.

“I also must thank Mike Elder for being a great trade partner. You have consistently been the most aggressive trader in our leagues. I can remember times when you’d call me just to see what I thought of a proposed trade. I’ll miss the back and forth of brokering a trade with you. Oh, and sorry for trading you Eric Byrnes. I really thought he’d be coming around.

“A huge thank you to Pat McElroy, Nathan Dickerson, Rob Burns, Matt Rounds, Brandon Dreiling, Elder’s brother whose name never really knew (sorry…), and many others. It has been fun to compete with you all these years.

“Lastly, I must thank Dave Gauger. You have been a fierce competitor. I’ll never forget two years ago when you edged me on the last day of the season to win the year. I was so mad. I had to admire your strategy and skill, though. Hopefully this year you’ll end up looking at my mule’s backside instead of the other way around.

“And now I’ll take a few questions.”

Question from the audience inaudible.

“Yes, I am announcing this now to give the organization time to find a replacement particularly in the football league as it should be starting soon. As to your second question, I plan to spend more time focusing on my family. We’re expecting a baby on November 1 and we need to be ready. I’m also finishing my last year of seminary (finally!!!) while working full-time. There are plenty of things for me to do.”

Another question from the audience.

“Of course I’ll miss it. Any time you give so much of your time and effort to something it becomes part of who you are. I have come to really enjoy the entire process from drafting to fighting all season. Baseball is a long season and it can wear on you but that’s all part of the process.”

Question inaudible.

“One of the primary reasons I’ve played this long, besides the desire to get that baseball championship, is to keep in touch with the people I’ve mentioned earlier. Many of them were good friends back in the day before we scattered all over the country. Fantasy sports were a way to do that. Now, Facebook, sort of ruins my best excuse. We can all keep in touch there. And, I’m not gone yet. I plan to finish the season strong. That’s it. No more questions. Thank you and God bless.”

Eric Nevins walked off the fantasy stage.

It's About Time

Tue, 13 May 2008 17:38:00 GMT

Probably no one is still checking my blog since it has been several months since I've written. This semester has been one of the most demanding ever and so I let writting fall by the wayside. I do have plans for the summer, though starting with a conservative manifesto. I'm so tired of the lack of conservative politicians that I'm writing my own agenda. Look for that in installments starting in June. Now, however, I give you my new askesis. This is the concluding paper for my class on the practice of the spiritual life. In it I commit to a number of things including memorizing Scripture and prayer.

Toward a New Way

My new askesis promises to be more disciplined and more purposeful. When I wrote of my “before” paper, I merely listed various things I do. While I would say that each of them is done for a purpose, the list I compiled was somewhat random and meandering. This paper, the “after” askesis, has the benefit of three months of study, reflection, and thought. The following disciplines and practices represent my commitment to a God-ward life.

Ingesting Scripture. The Bible is vital to any growing Christian. I intend to take it into my mind and heart in several ways. First, I will study the Bible. In the past, formal Bible study seemed lifeless and draining. This semester, through a variety of events, most notably my involvement in teaching ministry, the study of the Bible has come alive. Digging into a text yields not only knowledge, and some discipline, but also as I consider the meaning it is applied to my life and heart as well. This is teaching from the excess. God teaches me first and then I am able to teach others.

Second, I will continue to read large swaths of the Bible with a spiritual posture. This is the opposite of Bible study where small things make big differences. Instead, I read to be spoken to, to hear God’s story and to take it in. Thirdly, I will memorize larger sections of the Bible. Over the summer I plan to continue work on memorizing (and studying) Romans 8 which has become a mantra of sorts for me. This represents a departure for me. I used to be quite hostile to the idea of memorization but I now realize that holding Scripture in my mind and heart is often used by God. It helps me to change my thoughts as Dallas Willard recommends. When I am tempted to think about sinful things, I recall the passage I am memorizing and my heart is redirected. Jesus seemed to do this as he responded with Scripture to Satan’s temptations. He quoted the passage he apparently was meditating on. If it is good enough for Jesus, it is good enough for me.

Prayer. What I have learned about prayer in this course is that it is varied and diverse. I had still considered prayer basically asking God for things or talking at him with some listening involved. Now I understand God interacts with us. Prayer is a conversation that sometimes involves listening and sometimes talking and sometimes following a script. One practice I intend to follow through the rest of the year is the praying of the psalms. This practice sticks out to me as one that will be beneficial and helpful. The psalms help us learn to express our hearts to God and give voice to things we otherwise cannot find the words for.

Also under the category of prayer, I include the practice of silence and solitude. My wife and I have agreed that we each need to spend two or three days on retreat twice a year. My turn is next and I will go to Sacred Heart for a weekend in the early weeks of summer. The disciplines of silence and solitude are strongly contrasted with daily life, especially a life with small children. Demands are constantly flooding in. Getting away to a place where even my cell phone will not ring is a helpful respite. It also helps me to remember to listen to God. All the other voices cease and I am able to be still. This is a discipline that I hope to practice for the rest of my life no matter where God leads.

Fasting. I did my main research paper on the discipline of fasting. Once again, this is a discipline I would have otherwise been wary of and avoided. But practice of fasting taught me a lot about myself and God. I have entertained the idea of fasting at least one day before I teach or preach though I have not yet committed to it. What I found fasting valuable for was engaging my body and heart and mind all at once. Instead of being a purely cerebral or spiritual activity like so many other disciplines are, fasting brings out my weakness when it comes to my body. I also wrote in the paper that fasting helps me to practice the redirection of thought away from food to spiritual things. In temptation the same redirection is necessary. I found this valuable and will continue to practice it. Fasting helps me to want God more than to want to please my body.

Community. Practicing being in community has not always been easy for me. In fact, I could say I really do not like it. It is wonderful when people are interested in me and what I am doing but I do not really want to have to pretend to be interested in them. Entering community as a discipline, though, changes that. I have to give myself up in order to be genuinely concerned for the wellbeing of others. I also have to be genuinely open and honest about myself which is scary. Now that my TM sequence is completed, I see the value of community and will look for people to know and to be known by. It may be with an individual or two or it may be with a small group but it must be.

Community also includes corporate worship. Singing praise to God, hearing testimonies, seeing baptisms, being united in Communion are all important connections to the Body of Christ. In them, I submit to God together with those around me. Worship services offer the opportunity to get the Word in different ways. Singing moves things to the heart much more quickly than only hearing them.

Most of all, I will try to orient my heart around the things of God. All of these disciplines are simply ways of helping me to do that. They are reminders of God’s grace in my life and the commitment I made to follow him. They help me to keep my eyes on the prize, to obtain my part in the Kingdom while longing for more and more of it. I will not perfectly practice any of them, but I will press on toward the goal of Christ-likeness.

Platitudes

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 22:08:34 GMT

Those of you who I have spoken with in the last week or so have heard me say some pretty amazing things. God is really working on both Jodi and I and we are thriving spiritually, in our marriage, in worship, etc. I have called it perhaps the happiest time of our marriage. That might seem like an exaggeration. Certainly it's not something anyone should expect in the midst of all the challenges we have. But it is where we are.

As I've talked with you, I wonder how you perceive what could sound like platitudes or niceties. I used to really hate them until this period of my life. They were really incomprehensible to me. To say something like "the joy of the Lord is my strength" just made no sense. But now I find a song like "Trading My Sorrows" constantly on my lips. It makes sense because God is our strength. Jodi and I are living surrendered lives right now. It sounds so fluffy and could be said so easily. Yet, I don't say them lightly.

There is a sense, too, that to say something like I just wrote must have a tinge of pride to it. Yet, there is no pride. We both know-and you know-that this journey has been so much more about what God is doing in our lives than what we're doing. He has conquered the fire-breathing dragon that was my fear. He is working the rock of trying to control from Jodi's shoe. He is the ONE! To Him be all the glory, all the praise, all the honor. I couldn't write a more sincere sentence that gets so abused when it is turned into a platitude.

My McCain Diatribe

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 23:18:16 GMT

I’ve had it with Senator McCain. Today he’s out there saying that all the conservatives opposing him should “Just calm down.” Calm down? Calm down? That’s like asking a dog to calm down right before gets neutered. I don’t think so.

McCain also says we should “see if there are any areas that we can agree on for the good of the party and the good of the country.” On what issues does he think we can agree? Immigration? No, he sponsored a bill with Ted Kennedy (Kennedy!!!) that offered amnesty to illegal immigrants. The base, including me, does not agree that amnesty–no matter what you call it–is best for the country.

What about the urgent need for conservative judges? Strike two. McCain not only joined but led the Gang of 14 in opposing his own party leaders betraying some very fine judges in the process. What about the Gang of 14 suggests we should trust McCain to appoint conservative justices to the Supreme Court? McCain’s incessant desire to “reach across the aisle” will lead him to appoint judges that are acceptable to the left. And that is simply unacceptable to the right.

Maybe we can agree on economic issues. The conservative position on the economy is that tax cuts are good for everyone. What was Senator McCain’s position on the Bush tax cuts? Once again, McCain stood opposed to a very basic tenet of conservatism. No agreement there.

That’s three strikes against Senator McCain. Unfortunately for his candidacy, they keep coming. He’s voted against the marriage amendment. He’s sponsored legislation that restricts freedom of speech during campaigns. The chances for agreement are dwindling.

In fact, the only issue, as far as I can tell, that Senator McCain and I hold in common is his support of the war. Even on this issue McCain’s record is blemished. He called for Rumsfeld’s head not once but many times. McCain has opposed the president publicly over and over. How is that good for the party? That’s just not an issue we can agree on.

Well, it seems we have run out of issues. On nearly every issue near and dear to this conservative’s heart, Senator McCain has continually and deliberately split from the party line. That is why, should he receive the nomination, I will not vote for him. I understand completely the consequences of this course of action. Some conservatives will bite the bullet and pull his lever. But there are no good reasons to think he can be trusted to carry the conservative mantle. I for one, don’t trust Senator McCain as far as I could throw him. That is not good for him and it is not good for our party.

Ice Skating!

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 03:23:25 GMT

Last week we took the kiddos ice skating. Jodi and I had a ton of fun but the kids weren't so sure. It took them quite awhile to get used to skates. By the time they did it was time to go.

And I fell on my behind a couple of times...

Habits Are Hard to Break

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 18:18:39 GMT

Three days into my media fast, I am ready to make some initial observations. First, old habits are hard to break. I've written about this already. So far the hardest part is when I get in the car and reach for the radio to turn it on only to remember that I'm not doing that right now. Coming home from work is the worst time. I love to listen to Hugh Hewitt especially on nights like last night with the Michigan primary. I'm sure he was ecstatic because of Romney's win. It was likely great radio but it entered my head only as radio waves passing through rather than sound waves heard and understood.

Television is my other great battle. Over the weekend, I permitted myself a movie and a couple of football games. I watched 3:10 to Yuma while Jodi was at a friend's house playing games. Great movie. There were some great football games, too. The difficulty for me is when I get home from a long day of work. Since we got Tivo a year ago, I've taken to watching reruns of Seinfeld. I enjoy the laughs, especially the sarcastic remarks and strange situations they get themselves into. But ever notice all the sexual themes in that show? Rampant sex with anyone who is willing it seems. And I wonder when my thoughts tend that way. No, I cannot let that continue. It is not innocent fun to sit and watch TV all night. It is the insidious infiltration of the values of a culture far removed from God.

The second point is opposite of the first. New habits are Ihard to form. As much as I like to read, sometimes it is the last thing I feel like doing after a 100 phone call day apologizing to every moron who happens to have an account with us. Scripture, for all its power, takes more concentration than I am prepared to give by that time of night. Especially after putting the kiddos to bed. Persistence is not a virtue I have yet mastered. Yet, I believe the calling of the Christian life requires relentless perseverance.

Well, that's it for now. We're taking the kiddos to the museum today. Maybe we'll have some good pictures to post!

Media Fast Relaunch

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 04:06:52 GMT

This week has reminded me why I wanted to do the media fast in the first place and showed me how hard it will be. I wanted to abstain from media (television, internet, music, radio) in order to silence the voice constantly demanding my attention. They compete with God's voice and make it difficult to sit in silence.

I'm starting to think that turning off the voices will be as difficult as giving up coffee might be. When I have had the wild hair to give up the Good Bean the initial suffering of withdrawal lasts for a few days and it is not long before I crave the sweet nectar of my addiction. Even if I get past the headache, the psychological effect of holding a warm, creamy cup of Joe is more than I can resist. That's right, I'm weak and flabby but this is the best reason to persevere.

I am a dreamer. I have many ideas and sometimes start them out with great gusto. But I often fail to keep it going to the very end. Certainly, I'm not unique in this. The lack of perseverance and discipline in our culture accounts for the proliferation of weight loss programs and motivational speakers. My malaise is why I am a "B" student rather than an "A" student. I'm smart enough to be an "A" student (at least, I'd like to think so) but I am not enough of a perfectionist to spent my every waking moment in the library. I want to relax sometimes...ok, everyday. Thus the downfall of my dreams.

What scares me most about this is the realization that I am not a kid anymore. Admittedly, I'm not old enough to start saying "in my day" but I've had enough experiences to know how clueless I was in my 20's. Plus, Jodi and I have started to notice certain things happening physically. Get your mind out of the gutter. What I mean to say is, my teeth are rotting out of my head, and I have to get more regular sleep or I can hardly function. We're becoming more concerned with our health. This was not the case when we were young. All this to say, I'm old enough to know better but young enough not to care.

The relentless march of mortality scares me because it means that certain things are forever lost to me. Some dreams will never come true. You accept that after a while. I have to wonder, though, what if I had been really diligent and persistent at practicing my music lessons? What if I had been more focused on my grade point in high school instead of chasing all the fun I was after? Life would certainly be different. Perhaps I'd have gotten a scholarship or two and not ended up with so many loans to pay back! (No worries now, the Feds are paying my interest until I graduate.) Some dreams don't come true.

This brings me back to the point. My dream in this media fast is to stop all the other voices and start listening to God's small, still voice. I've always believed and now more than ever that God wants to be found by His people. He wants to relate with people intimately. Read Jeremiah sometime. I've been reading about how God calls Israel out time again for adultery against Him. Then, in small passages there are inserts of prayers of Jeremiah crying out to God, a holy and faithful prophet in the midst of the wickedness. The juxtaposition is clear. Israel has been extremely unfaithful but Jeremiah has been faithful. Later, God will promise to bring them back to Himself forever. He wants His people passionately. This media fast is about clearing everything away so that God can become my passion. If not now, when?

The struggle is that I use media as a way to distract myself from life. What good has it done me? None! Instead it makes me spiritually and mentally weak. If I am to accomplish anything then I need to live a radical life. I'd consider becoming a monk but am unaware of any protestant varieties.

Well, with this in mind, I'm "relaunching" my media fast...starting Monday. It's my mom's birthday, by the way. In the meantime, I'll still try to practice but I'm not going to work very hard at it. We'll call it "media fast warm up." Pray for me...the spirit is willing but the flesh is extremely weak.

Christmas Day

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 04:49:54 GMT

This picture is of the kids on Christmas Day. Mom sent it to us. Cute, eh?

The Media Fast

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 04:03:00 GMT

Here's something I've been thinking about. I'm strongly considering a media fast in the first couple of months of 2008. The reason is that I have noticed on TV, the radion, and the internet I cannot escape ungodly influences. Mostly this regards sexual images, stories, and suggestions. My mind too easily runs in that direction after a three decade brain-washing. It is enough. My love for God will no longer allow me to indulge such rabbit trails but the temptress' sweet song must be silenced before it reaches my ears. Therefore, I make the following resolutions lasting until at least Feb. 28:

1. I will not watch TV (exept for the Superbowl)

2. I will not spend more time than is necessary on the internet.

a. This includes searching out news and reading blogs. Too much of my time is spent reading more politics and sports than I need.

b. An exception to the rule is to write for the blog.

3. I will not listen to the radio in the car. I debated this point but my attempt is to become detatched from the need to hear the news and the radio is one of the most prominent ways I do that.

4. I will also not listen to music in the car.

My hope is that by silencing the many voices coming at me I will be better able to listen to God. The endeavor is not small. But it is one I am prepared to take on. Pray for me as I do.

Relationship

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 04:09:36 GMT

With God there are no accidents. I am finding this to be true. The semester just finished was one that taught me the incredibly personal nature of God's relationship to me. His love is overwhelming, his grace unending, and his justice perfectly fulfilled in Christ to my benefit. I experienced God this semester (or year as it is New Year's time) more personally than ever before.

Eugene Peteson, in his book Working the Angles, says this about prayer:

The life the at God calls into being in us is enormously various and infinitely complex. Rote responses are not adequate to the dazzling creativity of address that i sput to us by God's word. What is required in us is not that we learn a specific answer to a specific address, but that we acquire facility in personal language that is accurately responsive to what we hear God say to us out of his word in Scripture and in Christ in our changing situations and various levels of vaith. We need a vocabulary and syntax that is sufficiently personal and adequately wide-ranging to answer everything that God says from wherever we happen to hear it within eery developing stage of our pilgrimage across the entire spectrum of our lives.

Peterson writes about the Psalms as that language, teaching us to pray. In August I was trying to figure out how to pray and how to spend time in prayer. By the end I was ready to understand the personal nature of God culminating in my finding of this incredible work by Peterson that helps me wrap my mind around the whole thing.

Here is my spiritual formation learning contract summary that describes it.

My spiritual formation contract this semester may go down as one of the most significant in my seminary career. It has been difficult and challenging, but good, nevertheless.

The semester started with an epiphany of sorts. My first crack at writing this contract focused on what I could do and I wrote it several weeks before the semester even started. As I remember, right at that time I became depressed about my skills for ministry, and wondered whether I wanted to even pursue it, whatever it was. An early semester meeting with Laura provided some direction, a gentle push in the right direction.

Out of that meeting I learned that I was viewing God as if he could be manipulated, like an ATM. If I prayed and lived as I am supposed to then He should bless me with whatever I’ve asked for. The idea is that “if I don’t, then God won’t.” Furthermore, this attitude extended to others most especially my wife and those who I interacted with in ministry contexts. This realization rocked my world.

My goal statement stated the vision for where I needed to go well: “My goal in the area of spiritual formation is to develop a biblical-and godly-perspective of God and others.” I’m happy to report that I believe God has helped me to do just that in the past twelve weeks or so. My view may not yet be perfected but it has changed. How I understand both God and others is radically different.

This change was facilitated in part by taking Defending the Christian Faith this semester with Dr. Groothuis. Part of the course work included reading about how God is a personal being. In class this was of apologetic value. In my life it has been of spiritual value. It is difficult to describe but I spent the better part of two months reflecting on the idea of God as personal and because He is, I could interact with Him as a person.

When I shared this with my spiritual formation group, someone asked how this changed my relationship with God. I told him that the change in thinking served to bolster my faith. I have prayed with much more boldness asking for things without the feeling of having to earn them. One expression of this has been a sense of God’s presence with me throughout the semester. I had planned to carve out two to three times a week to pray. Instead, I found myself praying constantly wherever I was, whatever my mood. Occasionally, I have had a greater desire to spend blocks of time with God listening instead of talking.

One of my attitude strategies is addressed by this fact, also. The strategy was to reflect on why I avoid prayer. It now seems obvious. I avoided prayer because I did not believe it would do any good. God would do what God wanted to do whether or not I asked him. But as my understanding on His great love for me has grown, prayer suddenly becomes possible. Not only do I want to pray but I ask boldly and am submissive to His answer.

The concept of submission has also popped its head into the contract though I spent only fleeting thoughts on it. God is good and therefore can be trusted. This idea paves the way for prayer but not in the way a treasure map leads to treasure. There is no guarantee of getting all that you ever wanted. Rather, God is unpredictable (though he always acts within His character). He constantly works for our good and His pleasure but so often that involves suffering and being broken of our hard-headedness. This can hurt. But the Christian (me) puts himself or herself at His mercy in trust. I’d like to think that I have made some progress toward trusting more.

Another way that I have experienced God this semester has been through songs and Scripture that kept haunting me. In my ministry contract I wrote about how God seldom left me without something He was doing for me to use to lead others with. Scripture was a big part of this. I substituted a blog entry on the ways God has used Scripture this semester for a list of Biblical characters who struggled with confidence with a reflection on the many passages God has used to remind me of how He loves me and wants to interact with me. Writing that list was a milestone, of sorts, that allowed me to take note of God speaking to me. He said things like, “I want to you pray and to want to pray,” and “I love you,” and “Look at what great lengths I’ve gone to secure our relationship,” and “Love me and love others.”

There were two songs that really spoke these messages to me. The first was “By His Wounds” which is based on Isaiah 53. It just reminded me that Christ suffered horrible things so that I might be restored to Him. The song speaks of healing. Redemption has always been a powerful message that speaks to the part of me that longs for the day when Christ will finally make everything new, healed, and perfect, including me. The second song was “Sweetly Broken” but Jeremy Riddle. He sings that wonders of the Cross of Christ and notes how gently Jesus brings us to our knees. I sensed God doing that with me this semester.

At the cross you beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees and I am

Lost for words, so lost in love, I’m

Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.

Dance with Me

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 00:27:23 GMT

We were in Iowa this weekend to attend a wedding. It was a joyous occasion. My little girl, Emily, was one of the flower girls. At the reception she had one goal: a dance with her daddy. When the DJ finally began to play the songs she rushed to me, eager anticipation on her face, hoping for a dance. But this dance was for the bride and groom. She sat down. She watched the next song start for the bride and her father. Again she rushed to me. I told her there would be a few more songs and then we could dance. I’d come get her, I said.

As the minutes wore on she began to get bored. The songs were not fun songs she knew. So she began to wander and play a bit. Then the DJ said what she had wanted to hear. He called everyone to the floor for a dance. She ran to her seat and quickly sat down, her back straight as an arrow. It was a moment of great pride and pleasure for me to walk up to her chair, put my hand out, and ask if I could have this dance. Her face beamed with joy as she accepted and we made our way out to the floor.

Now, you must understand that I don’t dance. I like to say I’m too white-meaning I have too little rhythm-for dancing. But I went out there with that beaming little girl and danced my heart out. As we came off the floor later, I saw admiration in the face of some folks at a nearby table. Of course, I didn’t do it for them. Really, I did it in spite of them. It drove home for me that my willingness to put myself out on that dance floor looking completely ridiculous dancing with my little girl was the right thing to do. In it was a vulnerability that was precious to my daughter. It was precious to me and I have to think it was precious to the Father with whom I dance.

Another Spiritual Mentor

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 02:25:56 GMT

Those of you who know me from a past life know that I am a huge fan of Petra. They were the first Christian rock band that I fell in love with and their music still haunts me today. Every so often you'll catch me driving down C-470 screaming "Beyond Belief" at the top of my lungs. John Schlitt was the lead singer of Petra. I've continued to follow him. He has a solo CD coming out in January and now travels with Bob Hartman leading worship. Schlitt's story is one that needs to be told because it is a radical transformation from the heights of the 70's rock scene to suicidal thoughts to the arms of a loving Savior.

Check out this his testimony here. It's worth it. You can also find out more about what he's doing at his web site.

Reflections on Scripture in my life

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 04:17:28 GMT

For my spiritual formation contract I had originally proposed to compile a list of Biblical characters (and passages) that struggled with confidence. Instead, I have decided to make a list of passages that have been especially important or influential since the semester started. I cannot emphasize enough that Scripture has been a huge part of how God is dealing with me right now. It is not as if I am deliberately seeking this. Passages will be mentioned by someone and I will spend time thinking about them for days. I suppose this is what it means to meditate on the Word of the Lord. Below is my list along with a short explanation of what I learned from each passage.

The first passage is Luke 11:1-13. This is Luke’s version of the Lord’s prayer. The passage was brought to my attention by a chapel service. Not often can I say that I am as deeply affected by preaching as I was that day. Jesus seems to fail to teach his disciples until they come to him nearly demanding that they be taught to pray. Jesus obliges. The preacher drove home the point that prayer must become like air so that we cannot live without it. This was influential as I started to think about God as a person with whom I have a relationship-not a machine that I manipulate.
Secondly, Isaiah 53 came to my attention. This famous passage was thrust to my consciousness by a song we sang one Sunday morning in the worship service. By His Wounds recorded by a group called Glory Revealed is a song based on Isaiah 53 and it is powerful. I took two things from my encounter with this passage. First, the love of God for me-and Jesus especially-is tremendous! To submit to such an anonymous and humiliating death willingly can prove nothing but the greatest of loves. Second, music really has a way of helping truth move from head to heart. It was for this reason that I brought my guitar to our Sunday school for a prayer time of worship singing By His Wounds. On its own this was a huge step of trust in both God and others.
A third passage that has impressed upon me God’s love is Matthew 22:34-40. This is the famous “double love” command to love God and love others. Perhaps I should have started with this passage because it was really the first one I considered and as Jesus suggests, this passage could be said to summarize the entire Bible. The significance for me is in the fact that it teaches the principle of loving others (God or human) more than oneself. Make no mistake, part of my fear is rooted in self obsession. The double love command points out the sin of this and calls me back to submission to God and (gasp!) to others through spiritual direction. In this vein, I include (perhaps as an honorable mention) Philippians 2 as looming always in the back of my mind particularly the admonition to “consider others better than yourself not looking to your own interests” and the example of Jesus in the hymn.
Next, the Sermon on the Mount has been on my mind. This came to me as an urge to read the sermon in its entirety. Perhaps this was sparked through some class reading. I read Matthew 5-7 in one sitting when I was supposed to be studying. I was struck at how everything Jesus says seems to relate to the double love command. There is a real righteousness in how Jesus commends us to treat others. The respect inherent in the sermon for both God and for fellow humans is incredible and moving.
Another passage that I have spent a lot of time is 2 Samuel 7. This passage really impacted me. David, seemingly motivated by guilt decides to build God a temple. God rejects the idea but blesses David beyond his wildest dreams with a covenant to keep one of his descendants on the throne forever (ultimately fulfilled by Jesus, of course). I find a lot of myself in the David there, wanting to do something for God and yet all he wants is for me to love him. He lavishes love on me inexplicably and I can do nothing but join David in worship.

In my contract I used the metaphor of God as an ATM. Whether I knew it or not, I basically believed that God could be manipulated by prayer and spiritual exercises and that somehow the blessing of holiness and spiritual maturity would follow. What I first realized as I wrote that contract was that the same idea dominated my interactions with my wife. Then I started noticing it in how I thought of others particularly in ministering to them. In each case, (God, my wife, and other people) I treated as mere machines those who should be interacted with as persons.

The insight has been profound for me. It explains a lot of the conflict my wife and I have had. Humility heaps upon me as I realize my responsibility in this. I’m not sure exactly how it shakes down in ministry contexts yet. I have the chance to teach in a couple of weeks and I know this insight (should I call it “the personal insight”?) will be guiding me as I prepare and as I set my own expectations.

The insight that God is a person has also changed how I think about Him. Take my prayer life, for example. Like many Christians I have always felt guilty for not spending enough time praying. It only gets worse when I hear about spiritual leaders who say they can’t afford to not pray. But now, I spend a lot more frequent bursts of time throughout the day asking God how to engage in situation and that He would help me. Perhaps I’ve done this before but there is a new character of faith to it. It’s hard to describe. Suffice it to say that God is working on me.

Reflections on Prayer

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 02:40:53 GMT

This week I have spent quite a lot of time reflecting on a sermon I heard on Monday. I have to say that preacher gets a good deal of respect from me since his message has stuck with me throughout the week. The Holy Spirit deserves some credit too, I suppose.

The passage is Luke 11:1-4. It is Luke’s recounting of the Lord’s Prayer. Jesus’ disciples have asked him to teach them to pray. They nearly insist that he do so. The preacher wondered why Jesus had not taught them to pray yet. Obviously Jesus was accustomed to praying-and often. The preacher’s point was that we are not ready to learn about prayer until we can’t live without it.

It reminded me of a Latin phrase we used as a rallying cry in church once: esse quam videri. It means “to be, rather than to seem.” With prayer there are so many admonitions and practices (i.e. praying for 30 minutes a day-as if that will make me more spiritual) that we can easily get caught up in the appearance of wisdom; the practice of disciplines without the intimacy of relationship.

I fall into this trap all the time. Instead of wanting to spend time searching the deep things of God’s heart and being known by Him, I work a discipline until it gives out. It is not that I am in love with God but that I really want to be spiritual. One of my learning contracts deals with the idea that my view of God is often mechanistic-as if he is a cosmic ATM and prayer is the secret code to get what I want. This trap leads to swift and certain death.

Instead of spending time concentrating on a practice or a discipline, try spending some time asking God to reveal himself to you and revealing yourself to him. Pray not for what you want to get out of God rather because you want to fall in love with God. ATM’s lavish only mechanistically what you already own. God personally lavishes that which you could never deserve and He does so freely.

Not as those who have no hope

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 02:51:39 GMT

I heard sobering news today. A friend –a co-worker- passed from this life. He had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks. I knew when his wife (also a co-worker) told me that his kidneys were not functioning well that his health was failing. I even prayed for him…earnestly. None of it mattered. The news still hits me hard.

It’s funny how people can influence your life even in short a short period of time. Mark wasn’t even on our team for more than a few months and yet his gregarious laughter rings in my ears. How I wish to hear it again! His vivid stories –he had one for everything- would entertain for hours. Sometimes I wondered if they were true because they were so incredible.

Influence…yes, that is how I would describe it. Mark influenced me in a way I am unprepared to put into words just now. His life was so infectious. You felt happy to have the chance to sit and shoot the s*** with him as if there wasn’t anything else to do.

When my thoughts return to the lesson here, I think about how it is that we have more influence that we know. It causes me to renew my effort to influence my coworkers for Christ and to be a salty person there.

The second lesson is one that always accompanies death. That is, the sorrow we feel as we face death was never meant to be. It is the result of sin, the aberration of nature. It is despicable to God. And yet, God became one of us, experienced this aberration and conquered it with power. In the process He freed us from sin. The Gospel –the Good News- is never more relevant than when we face death.

Learning Contracts

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 02:39:45 GMT

Below is my spiritual formation contract. My audience here is rather small but if you don't know what a learning contract is, I'll tell you. Part of my degree includes self-directed learning. Each semester I do two contracts, a spiritual formation and a ministry skill contract. Below is my spiritual formation contract for the Fall 2007 semester. I'll post the ministry contract later this week.

The learning contract that follows is a somewhat painful one. Partly, this is due to the fact that in rough draft it was entirely different. Mostly, however, it is due to the deep way the contents reflect my soul. I may have known all along that this contract was the next step in my spiritual direction though I erred on the side of spiritual discipline (something I could do). My spiritual/character formation contract is working on my tendency to view God and others in a utilitarian fashion.

My first attempt at this contract came out on the topic of prayer and with good reason. I can scarcely remember a time in my Christian life when I did not want a “better” prayer life. Previous contracts had stressed the idea of understanding how God sees me and resting in –or stop trying to earn- his love. Last semester I focused on trusting God with myself. The results were profound and ending the semester I had an idea of where I wanted to go: to prayer, to that richness of relationship with God.

The summer was spent in a very positive attitude and relaxing atmosphere. Two trips to my home state of Iowa provided rest. We had plenty of family time including trips to the zoo and baseball games. My work was engaging and exciting and I excelled. I even had an opportunity to practice some leadership at church. Things could not have been going any better.

I also spent a lot of time reflecting on my journey with God. It is easy to look back now and see how he has loved me and coaxed me from the cave of fear to where I could see the light of his grace. In the first version of this contract I said, “Slowly the fear recedes as trust in God grows” and it is true. What I am only now realizing is that the glimpse I have peeped is only the first blinding ray. I have not yet been immersed in the light to where my eyes can adjust and I can live in it. In short, I am still quite afraid of others and perhaps not a little afraid of God.

That last statement begs the question, “Why?” Over the last week or so of the summer break and the first two weeks of the semester I have been wondering the same. The optimism and joy I had felt for much of summer was now gone. I began to be consumed with nervousness, fear, and dread, especially when I had to say anything in front of others (at church particularly). “What’s wrong with me?” I thought.

The question nagged at me until one immensely beneficial conversation with Laura Flanders to discuss the rough drafts of this semester’s contracts. Among many insightful and illuminating comments she made two statements that have sent me in a new direction. The first was that I “buckle under evaluation.” Much as I wish this were not the case, it is. The second was that I have a “utilitarian view of God.” I described God as a cosmic ATM. If you push in the correct PIN (prayers I suppose substitute here) then out spits the blessing you wanted. Of course God is the creator of the universe and no mere machine. I may never have articulated it this way before that conversation. The rough draft of this contract attempted to get at this looking for a more intimate relationship with God when I said, “The relationship with God deepens through prayer.”

It is worth noting, too, that the two statements are profoundly linked together. Why am I afraid of others especially when I have to lead them? Why do I avoid prayer in general? To each question the answer is the same: A “me first,” what-can-you-do-for-me attitude. People are only valuable to me in so far as they can give me something. God is only valuable to me in so far as he meets my demands (which, of course he does not always do). I imagine other people criticize me harshly because I am constantly criticizing them harshly if only in my head (and heart). My desire is to become a person who accepts others for who they are developing an understanding of God’s view of them which by necessity includes his view of me. This seems like two ideas but it is only one attitude.

Goal Statement

My goal in the area of spiritual formation is to develop a biblical –and godly- perspective of God and others.

Treatise for the Forgotten (Or Prayer from the Belly)

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 03:59:34 GMT

So you feel forgotten. I wonder if that is how Jonah felt as he lay in the belly of his whale. I wonder what crossed his mind. Perhaps he thought very little about anything save keeping his head literally above water or more specifically whale stomach bile. Imagine the stench. The book named for him and which relays his story through history devotes an entire chapter to his prayer from the belly. The prayer records how Jonah felt about God and God’s subsequent response.

Jonah starts his prayer with the fact that while he was in the direst of straights God heard him. Only after noting this does he begin to explain the loneliness and despair he was feeling toward God. The word “overwhelmed” sums it up best. What for us is powerful imagery was reality for him. He was “hurled into the deep,” and “the currents swirled about [him]; all your waves and breakers swept over” (2:3). Of course, the waves in our lives are quite different but no less threatening. We are so afraid of being overwhelmed and with good reason.

It takes very little imagination to understand the pressures facing the young man or woman today. Whether it is intentional or not the message we receive from popular culture (to say nothing of those closer to us) is that by the time we are graduated from college and enter the middle twenties we should have everything figured out. We ought to know where we will work, who we will marry, where we will live, and other questions that take a lifetime to answer. It’s as if you should know the plan of your life like the palm of your hand except you have no more insight into the future than any run-of-the-mill gypsy. And that’s the cruelty of it.

I remember very clearly graduating from college. The time was one of the most exciting and most maddening of my life. Facing the pressure described above I had limited options, all of which scared me to death. I could admit that I had no clue. Sometimes I took this route though I found it rather uncomfortable. I could take the more pompous route and pretend that I was “waiting on God” to show me what to do. This I was loath to do. It seemed no different that the first option caped in spiritual language. A third route was to make something up. I chose this precarious path most often. It should be said that I also found this idea revolting but I thought it was the only option available. The difficulty is, like any lie, once you get it going it you have to take steps to keep up appearances. So it was that I applied for seminary the first time. You see, I had a degree in Biblical Studies. What does someone with a degree in Biblical Studies and no ministry experience do? They go to seminary. I found it remarkably easy to get in. Of course, once you’re in, you’re in and they expect you to show up…and to pay up.

Off to seminary I went forced by the dual constraints of my education and the pressure to make a decision. It should have come as no surprise that I began to feel a lot like Jonah. “I’ve been banished from your sight…to the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever” (2:4, 6). I remember one day as the autumn rain fell I stood in the middle of the campus and recited the words of one of my favorite bands. “Sometimes I wait forever just to stand out in the rain so no one sees me crying trying to wash away the pain.” And pain I felt. By this time my self-confidence was long lost, a fact that affected every aspect of life. My marriage was rocky and difficult. We were about to have our first baby and it was hard work and not the loving, joyful experience I had expected. There was a growing sense that I did not belong in seminary. After all, the decision to go to seminary had felt forced. Had I really been called by God to ministry? This question would remain unanswered for what seemed like an eternity though in the scheme of things it was probably more like Jonah’s three days in the belly of his whale.

The weight I felt quickly became more than I could bear. At the end of the semester I informed my advisor that I would be skipping the following semester. I told him it was because we were expecting a baby and I wanted to concentrate on the family. He saw right through me. He recommended that I seriously reconsider my call to ministry and see where God might lead. His advice was sound. It took several years before I could follow his advice because by then I was emotionally and spiritually spent.

In the meantime I began to let my mind run wild down the path of fantasy. I seriously considered other careers that I could pursue. There were several that I wanted dearly. I’m not a very great a musician but for awhile I considered moving my young family to Nashville. We all have dreams, I guess.

About ten months after my abrupt drop out from seminary, life had gotten no better. My wife and I had nearly stopped communicating going a stretch of five days once without one word more than was necessary to one another. This time she was the one that could not take it anymore. She demanded that we talk when we went to bed. That night was one of the longest of my life. We laid everything on the table. Some things left unsaid for years were finally being expressed. This was no respectful exchange. It was loud. It was messy. It hurt. After hours of back and forth bickering I stormed out of the bedroom retreating to the empty living room. The room’s dark emptiness was a physical reminder of the state of my soul.

I consider what happened next to be one of the most significant events that ever happened to me. At last, I surrendered to God. The weight on my shoulders finally drove me to my knees. The content of my prayer is forgotten now but I know that it was sincere. It may have been something like the prayer my friend Eve sent me recently. She writes:

Dear God,

I am sorry for the hurt I have caused over the last couple of years.

I’m sorry for the pain, sadness and tears.

I tried to do it on my own, but now I realize.

The teardrops falling down, are falling from my eyes.

I fall before you now and ask you to forgive,

Come into my life and show me how to live.

As I sat there crying, praying to God to rescue me from the disgusting mess I had made my wife entered the room softly. Her presence reminded me that I was not alone in this world. When we talked this time it was one heart to another. We prayed as we had never prayed before. I told one friend that it was as if I was experiencing God’s grace for the first time. Perhaps I was. I was at the end of my rope only to discover God’s rope was safer and more secure than I ever could have imagined.

Jonah must have felt something similar. He says, “When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple” (2:7). Isn’t it interesting that Jonah knows that it was he who forgot God rather than the other way around? In my darkest moments I was tempted to think God had abandoned me. I would cry out, “I need to hear from you! What am I supposed to do if you don’t speak to me?” as if God had suddenly forgotten about me. But he was there the entire time perhaps even pushing me until I could go no further. Only then would I do what he wanted all along and turn to him fully and without reservation. Only then would I follow where he was leading. Likewise, only when he knew he was dead if he did not turn to God, Jonah prayed and finally agreed to go to Nineveh.

Everyone is different and your circumstances are not the same as mine just as mine are not the same as Jonah’s but we all find ourselves in over our head sometimes. We all feel spiritually dead or dry eventually. The danger we face in those days that sometimes turn into weeks that all too often spill over to months is that we would decide against turning to God. The reasons for doing so seem bountiful. “If God is so “all-knowing” and “all-powerful” why am I languishing here? Why doesn’t he do something in my life? Why has he forgotten me?” Sound familiar? I’ve said words similar to these a thousand times if I’ve said them once. And yet we learn from Jonah that no matter how we feel, God is watching out for us. What Jonah could never have known as he watched the great beast’s mouth close is that God himself had sent the whale to save his life. The same goes for my story. It is only now, after five years have passed, that I can look back and see that were it not for those years of pain and sorrow I might have placed my confidence in myself. Instead, I relate my story in humility knowing that God receives glory for saving my life.

So you feel forgotten. God is not nearly as far away as he seems. You feel spiritually dry or dead. Even this God will use to bring you closer to him. Just as he was with Jonah and in my life, God is not far away and is in fact guiding you through even these tough times. Will you finally turn to him? Only then will you rejoice with Jonah and say, “Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit God’s love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’”

Finally...a post!

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 06:16:53 GMT

I promised my friend Ben that I would start to update this thing more regularly. That was three – nearly four – weeks ago now. Tonight though, I’m ready to write. It’s nearly midnight but as I was lying in bed just now I had a thought that would not be suppressed.

The thought is one that has been common to me for the last several years. In fact, my thought was that I was tired of having the thought. The thought I am referring to is the one that I am on the cusp of something. As I say, I have felt myself – and my family – to be on the verge of change for some time now. What kind of change? I’m glad you asked. Pardon me for being vague but the answer is all kinds of change.

You see, my wife and I are right now in the middle of changes involving our entire lifestyle. There are some really significant things that belong to family life. For instance, we are making changes to the way we eat. We are keeping track of the kinds of food we eat and our caloric and fat intake. Some in our families may have dieted but if you observe their eating patterns you’ll notice some very unhealthy trends. We are also going to the gym on a regular basis. This is something I never thought I would do. I was always too scared to approach it. Now we go three times a week, at least.

We’re also paying off debt at an alarming rate and will have a good sized savings by the end of the year. Most people live broke and in debt! We’re on the verge of being debt-free…at least until school is over for good.

As a side note, after ten years of wearing glasses, I’ve stared wearing contact lenses. That is also something I never thought I would do. Easy as pie and very freeing. They get a bit dry out here in Colorado but nothing a few eye drops can’t handle.

Finally there is the real “verge” I’ve been feeling for so long. This “verge” is a spiritual one. I have always wanted to “arrive” spiritually. Christian character, or godliness, seemed to me to be an achievement that I could reach if I only tried hard enough. I like to describe it as an equation: Me + x (i.e. more prayer, bible study, evangelism, etc.) = spiritual arrival. I’m starting to see how this mentality has driven a lot of my fear. If I just do nothing, I’ve done nothing. No gain but no loss either. But if I work hard and end up not arriving then I’ve lost everything. The “verge” I’ve felt is that I’m close to figuring out how to get there finally. What I’ve found instead is called grace. It’s funny how you can believe something but never understand it until you experience it.

So, am I on the verge of being spiritual enough? No, I already am accepted and loved by God. And I am beginning to take some risks that I never would have before like leading in church and trying to tell others about Jesus at work.

What brought this little diatribe on? I was laying in bed thinking about something else I’ve been writing lately. It’s fun. It’s actually pretty good, if I do say so myself. My mind wandered to what it would be like if for some crazy reason it got published and I became fabulously wealthy. Then I prayed. I said, “Lord, my hope is not in money. I’d love to have it, but my hope is in you.” I realized just how truly unique an attitude that is. So why do I feel on the verge of becoming a person who trusts in God when I already do? The answer is, I don’t anymore.

Reflecting

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 01:00:04 GMT

Today was my second mentor team meeting. It was a great time. God has blessed me with a group of people who really care about me. And, it was a challenge to speak and speak honestly. That doesn't come naturally for me, especially when it comes to spiritual issues. I want to cover up what I really feel and project spiritual maturity. But you can't fake it.

God is doing something in/with me. It's good and I do well to remember it. One thing I was reminded of during our talk is that I can look back and see progress. At the same time, the mountain still looks imposing and fearful up ahead. While this semester I have begun to believe that I can participate in ministry, that conviction only penetrates so deep. The last few weeks have damaged my confidence. I wonder if the marathon runner has these thoughts at mile 7 or 10 or 20. "What was I thinking?! I can't do this!"

So should I risk some specific things that I need to work on? I'll list a few for posterity. This post will be a mile-marker and in a few months/years from now we'll look back together and marvel at God's work.

1. I need to be involved with a spiritual community at our church.

2. I need to develop ministry skills. This has always been hard for me. See above. Part of the journey God has me on is to realize that he has gifted me for ministry. Accepting that as a gracious gift and using it is imperative.

3. I need to stop procrastinating.

Well, that's three. That'll do.

One last thing. The reason I have wanted to do this blog is because writting really helps me express myself. Sometimes I think it's just defining it and putting something on paper clarifies the issue. I've enjoyed it when I have actually done it.